The Luke
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2010
- Messages
- 4,255
So for the most part, Jonah sleeps through the night. He generally gets up 1 time around 3-5am and wants a bottle. Well, that is currently what I'm doing. So I have sat here over the last couple weeks, groggy as hell, listening to my 8 week old chugging away at his bottle, I have noticed some new phenomenon develop. At night, the edges of our curtains in our bedroom look like a dance party. I can see them illuminate on and off and on and off. Over and over and over. Infact, about 35 times a minute.
Luckily, we have blackout curtains in our room. But, the rest of our
Mind you, I live in the country and a about 150 yards from the road. So, the options of what this luminous fiesta could be, are pretty limited.
So in between burping, crap filled diapers and trying to develop the art of sleeping while multitasking, I shuffle my nekkid(yea, I sleep nekkid, you should try it) self over to the window. Pull the curtains open just enough to where I and my wiener can investigate the situation.
In my head, the possible scenarios are as follows:
1. Outside flood light has shorted out
2. Northern lights got fed up with liberal bull ****, packed their **** and became southern lights
3. My neighbor who may or may not be the worlds worst and least discrete drug dealer has a buyer sitting at the end of his driveway, flashing his lights in Morse code in order to communicate how much oregano he would like to purchase(this happened last time before he went to jail, again)
4. UFO is abducting previously mentioned neighbor and doing the entire world a favor.
5. Someone is doing lots of tac welding with tannerite
6. The sun is broken and the eclipse is happening again and again in some kind of Bill Murray-esc Groundhog Day situation
Obviously these are the ONLY viable options.
Back to me and my wiener investigating out the window....
Between flashes we have just enough time to let our eyes adjust to focus on what the hell What we saw was none of the above. I finally realize after getting flash burns across my eyes and junk what on earth is causing this 14th wonder of the world. It's coming from my neighbor across the street, John.
Not one, but two lights. Not just any lights, but lights that would be used to signal spaceships while in orbit. What I have to assumed do be 2000w, 567,000,00 lumen, pulsing flood lights(I assume brought back from nam), mounted right next to each other and aimed at my house.
They are pulsing in what I believe to be the rhythm of "it's raining men" or tubthumping by chumbawumba. For hours. All night long.
Some back story on John. He introduced himself to me as John, the "retired military, self appointed neighborhood watch that has nothing better to do than to keep an eye on everyone else's ****". He has a vendetta against the drug dealer who is diagonal from him. But doesn't actually trust anyone else either. He once accused me of throwing his mail over his fence into his yard.
Speaking of his fence, it surrounds his entire property and the only gates are on automatic openers for his car to pull in and out. So, it makes contacting him difficult to say the least. Basically, my only option is wait until I see him in passing and inquire about these devil containing spot lights attached to the front of his house and hope I can talk him into reducing them to a reasonable, non pulsing, flood light.
Solutions and possible outcomes as of now:
1.John turns them off
2. The fire proofing he must have on his house wears off and the tannerite filled sun devils catch his house on fire.
3. I shoot them out.
4. Retaliate and rent two spot lights that could only be rivaled by a mall of America parking lot of jk's using all of their lightbars simultaneously.
I'm open to suggestions
For now, I'm going to go apply burn cream to the aforementioned areas of my body, duct tape my eyes shut, and go back to sleep. I'll keep you updated as I recover and regain my vision.
Luckily, we have blackout curtains in our room. But, the rest of our
Mind you, I live in the country and a about 150 yards from the road. So, the options of what this luminous fiesta could be, are pretty limited.
So in between burping, crap filled diapers and trying to develop the art of sleeping while multitasking, I shuffle my nekkid(yea, I sleep nekkid, you should try it) self over to the window. Pull the curtains open just enough to where I and my wiener can investigate the situation.
In my head, the possible scenarios are as follows:
1. Outside flood light has shorted out
2. Northern lights got fed up with liberal bull ****, packed their **** and became southern lights
3. My neighbor who may or may not be the worlds worst and least discrete drug dealer has a buyer sitting at the end of his driveway, flashing his lights in Morse code in order to communicate how much oregano he would like to purchase(this happened last time before he went to jail, again)
4. UFO is abducting previously mentioned neighbor and doing the entire world a favor.
5. Someone is doing lots of tac welding with tannerite
6. The sun is broken and the eclipse is happening again and again in some kind of Bill Murray-esc Groundhog Day situation
Obviously these are the ONLY viable options.
Back to me and my wiener investigating out the window....
Between flashes we have just enough time to let our eyes adjust to focus on what the hell What we saw was none of the above. I finally realize after getting flash burns across my eyes and junk what on earth is causing this 14th wonder of the world. It's coming from my neighbor across the street, John.
Not one, but two lights. Not just any lights, but lights that would be used to signal spaceships while in orbit. What I have to assumed do be 2000w, 567,000,00 lumen, pulsing flood lights(I assume brought back from nam), mounted right next to each other and aimed at my house.
They are pulsing in what I believe to be the rhythm of "it's raining men" or tubthumping by chumbawumba. For hours. All night long.
Some back story on John. He introduced himself to me as John, the "retired military, self appointed neighborhood watch that has nothing better to do than to keep an eye on everyone else's ****". He has a vendetta against the drug dealer who is diagonal from him. But doesn't actually trust anyone else either. He once accused me of throwing his mail over his fence into his yard.
Speaking of his fence, it surrounds his entire property and the only gates are on automatic openers for his car to pull in and out. So, it makes contacting him difficult to say the least. Basically, my only option is wait until I see him in passing and inquire about these devil containing spot lights attached to the front of his house and hope I can talk him into reducing them to a reasonable, non pulsing, flood light.
Solutions and possible outcomes as of now:
1.John turns them off
2. The fire proofing he must have on his house wears off and the tannerite filled sun devils catch his house on fire.
3. I shoot them out.
4. Retaliate and rent two spot lights that could only be rivaled by a mall of America parking lot of jk's using all of their lightbars simultaneously.
I'm open to suggestions
For now, I'm going to go apply burn cream to the aforementioned areas of my body, duct tape my eyes shut, and go back to sleep. I'll keep you updated as I recover and regain my vision.
