Worst piece of ass ever!

[InDaShop]

So I got the idea from this thread over on DezertRangers.
Some good reads, had me dying laughing! Definately TMI!
http://www.dezertrangers.com/vb/off-topic/130178.htm


Not as bad as some of those but here's mine, and there are some guys on here that can back this dumbshit up.

Back in the day in Paola, some buddies of mine(Kelly "Blacksheep10", Heath "CreekTrash") used to put on an annual MudRun. Big money from all over Midwest came to run.
I think their attendance topped 10k one year, then afterwards would be a huge party. Epic party. Hooking up there was always like shooting fish in a barrel.
I mean you get horsepower, mud, lots of booze, all day drinking and the panties would just come right off.

So I find a target at some point, this blonde, pretty cute, not hot as I was looking for the sure thing not something that I had to work too hard for, She was from another town, but knew some local girls. I start setting it up mid-day, Saying the right ****, constantly handing her beers to ply the efforts. Make her feel appreciated, etc… Once it got dark, and the beers were drying up we all road trip into town to a buddies house that I was going to crash at. We get there and a lot of party has shown up, which was standard for this house back in the day. Standing room only from the back door to the front door There would be so many people his dog would go hide in the bathtub.

So after fighting through the crowd this chick drags me into the bathroom and wants to get it on. I'm all down for it! So we get to mugging down we are rubbing all over each other, and I want some starter BJ action so I start the "PUSH" she shakes that **** off and tells me I've got to suck her ***** first. **** it, I'm in, lets do this. I get her clothes off, and prop her up on the bathroom vanity. Lights are on, this chick has great lil titties, and a shazed cookie. So I kneel down and get to rubbing her real good and about ready to start breathing through my ears, when I go to dip a finger in. WTF? How do I get in, its like Ft. Knox. I push a little harder, and its like the sides are super glued together. No kidding. uke: I kinda give her a look, and she's like come on! So I get both hands in there and end up peeling this thing apart like a grilled cheese sandwich! Really at this point against better judgement I went in for it, I mean I'd worked damn hard to get that coochie to this point I might as well. UGHHH, talk about all day sweaty ass, smoker ****, drinkin, it was a bad call. Lucky for me I was hammer drunk and didn't let the disgust get me down too hard.

Who really knows how long this lasted but long enough I was past the wanting a blowjob, so I stand up and feed this girl my cock. We are hammering this vanity and damn near braking the mirror off the wall, when she falls forward more of less crumbing both of us to the ground. No reason to stop so we get to missionary on the bathroom rug, me on top. Pretty much at this point I look up and lock eyes with the dog. Freaks me out. He's hiding in the bathtub and just staring at me with these judging eyes, like "what are you two humans doing?" I had to kinda pick this chick up and twist so that we were facing the other way so the dog wouldn't be staring at me, and the whole time thinking I'm a kill that dog if he licks or bites my ass. :****:

Eventually we both finish, she left and went home with some girlfriends, I passed out on couch.



So lets hear 'em, I'm honestly scared to hear JR's or JRich's.

 

[CheapJ7]

Haha, bout to go to work so I don't have time to type it up right now. I'll be back shortly... :afro:

That is awesome, btw!

 

[bad80cj]

lol :****: ***** be clammed up. It would have been better if the dog gave you a rim job.

 

[Bones]

Good god! Grill cheese is where I draw the line albeit it's a very crude one.

I honestly have to think about it. None I really regret, and none that were so awful I can trump that cavalcade you just typed.

 

[TacomaJD]

Jeezus tits, that's awesome

I ain't really had any with super high disgusting factor like that, but had a couple that in the midst of drunken one night stands, a light was turned on exposing stretch marks, fat rolls, etc. that I couldn't see in the dark, then I'm like wtf, why did I just pork her? Then I'm like, wow hope my buddies don't find out

 

[offroadr1]

ive been fortunate enough to never have a bad lay...knock on wood.

 

[bbone]

As much as I would love to add to this... right now i will pass.

 

[tledbetter]

LMAO,Thats sum funny ****.

 

[tledbetter]

I stopped culling when I figured out I was a cull !!!! :****:

 

[InDaShop]

bawahaaa

Was talking to my brother this morning and he was telling me about some whore he did last night that was a really awful lay. Figured people on here should have some pretty bad ones as well. I'll start with mine. I have other ones somewhat close to this experience, but this one is my worst.

So to kick off one of my least fond memories, my friend and I walk down to the bar just down the street from the rental were living in(Las Vegas). We're not having any luck trying to pull some girls out. The only ones we see are the regulars that only try to get you to buy them drinks and not deliver when it's time to smash the beef. After about 3 hours we see two fatties come in and they immediately start ordering hard drinks and pounding them down, which clearly tells us that they've arrived with the hopes and dreams of being penetrated. I look over at my friend and he clearly says "uh uh, no way dude, there has got be something better coming in here tonight."

So we wait another hour and a half...nothing shows up. After 10 minutes of me essentially talking him into it with the usual facts like "Dude come on, at least you know they're gonna be down to do whatever we want." "They'll put a lot of effort into it.", he finally caves and just asks that I don't tell anyone we know.

Now I've done more than my share of fatties. I always focus on at least one positive aspect of them so I can cope with the severe labor I'm inundating myself with, you know...like they have big tits, or she has a pretty face, something. Unfortunately this was not the case with these two Leviathans. To make my friend feel a little better and so he wouldn't puss out on me, I tell him I'll take the one he finds least attractive(both were nasty). So I get the bigger one weighing in at at least 275lbs, his was more around 230lbs, and mind you they're both quite short. Imagine a pot belly pig.

So we go over and talk to them and 10 minutes later they're driving us back down the street to our house. We get to the living room and don't waste time. We figure we'll **** em both in the living room on our other roommates couches and laugh about it in the morning.
His abominable snowbeast is down to do it right there. She's wearing thick glasses and upon removing them we see she has a very, very lazy eye. My friend gets up and turns off the lights and I try not to laugh. His snowbeast starts to give him head right there like a well seasoned veteran. My snowbeast is starting to become a bit of a prude and wants to go into the bedroom. I had hoped to avoid this, but I go ahead and take her in there anyways.

This is where the nightmare slowly begins to unfold. She turns on my light and all I can think of is "God she's fat and ugly." I turn them back off. She is extremely persistent with trying to kiss me on my mouth(which I have sucessfully avoided thus far), but I made the mistake of sitting down on the bed first and she pushed me down and got on top of me. At that time my max bench press was only 215lb(I weigh 170lb), she clearly exceeded that. So I'm fighting to somehow roll her over or get her off of me so I can gain the high ground. Meanwhile she's trying to give me "passionate kisses" and unfortunately my head won't turn 180 degrees to dodge her barrage of buffalo love, she sneaks a couple in and at this point I have the pleasure of having her whiskers tickle my face. In a panic I try to push her over/off of me, but the inertia it would take to get her off of me is far greater than what I can generate. I had to use my superior dialect to let her know what my pushing and struggling was conveying "Stop, stop it! Get the **** off me and lay on your back."

So now I have her on her back. I tell her to remove the blanket, I mean shirt she was wearing. I'm expecting to see some decent size tits, wrong! She had a super stuffed bra...no tits at all, none. So I'm a little worried as to maybe I've inadvertently brought a guy over(mustache, no tits, stinks), I tell her to take her sweats off and her underwear. No penis fortunately, but looks like the landscaper was fired years ago, she has a phenomenal bush goin. I like girls to have some hair, but this was way outta control. Nice profound happy trail goin too. And the smell...completely overpowering. I can't even describe it, it was the worst smelling ***** I've ever come across, by far. Combination of cigarrette smoke, alcohol, tuna/mackerel/take your pick, sweat, lack of hygiene, etc. Like something you could could only create in the laboratory of a mad scientist.
I man up and decide I better have her give me some head first if I'm going to be submerging my penis into this copious vessel called a fatty. I climb onto her massive body and try to commence with operation skull ****, but she ain't havin it. Her exact words were, "I don't do that, I have self respect." I'm completely taken back by the words trumpeted from this vile pachyderm. I try about 4 more times all the while thinking in the my head "Come on, just ****in eat it, I know you're hungry." She's not budging.
She tells me she wants me to **** her. Now I have to conjure up some seriously pleasant memories of previous girls so I can get my buddy in the game. I'm having a hard time concentrating because she keeps trying to jerk me off and it's seriously turning me off. Everytime it starts to get hard she reaches over and touches it there by creating the "withering flower" effect. After the 3rd time she reaches for it I slap her hand away and she gets the picture. Everytime I try and put on the condom my buddy cowers and I gotta start the process over.

Finally I get the jimmy on there and plunge him in as fast as I can before I go limp again. She's actually very tight, probably from all the flesh pushing on her vaginal walls, or maybe cuz no one's been it in for a very long time, probably both. Anyways so I'm in there right and she swings one of those redwood tree trunks she calls a leg and puts it on my shoulder, then puts the other up as well. She still has her socks on and her ****in feet stink bad, not to mention her box is now at maximum juice secretion and emanating a god awful stench. The two smells combined actually made me gag. I gagged three times while I was doin her. The whole time I was looking up at the ceiling with my eyes closed thinking about my two previous lays that were pretty fun and good looking. Just concentrating on finishing as fast as I can and not pleasing her at all since she clearly wouldn't do that for me. Mean while she's yelling and squeeling like a ****in pig extremely loud while I'm doing her(friend said it sounded like the scene in A Scary Movie when the fat girl gets stuck in the garage door). Incredibly the ****in bitch came in less than a minute. Her body just collapsed like a ton of bricks. She let her legs go and I wasn't strong enough to hold them up on my own.

At this point she's worthless and I've lost all my will power to keep pumpin till I nut. I pull out, run to the bathroom, and wash myself in hopes to get her awful smell off of me. I go back in to the room and I tell her she has to leave and to take her friend with her. My friend's fatty was actually alright from what he said, she didn't smell bad at all, gave him head, pretty much behaved accordingly in reference to the Fat Girl operators manual. My fat girl goes to the can, comes out and starts to get dressed. My friend is already hiding in his room while his fatty is in the living room chillin waiting on her sow of a friend to be done so they can leave. I go upstairs to shower so I can feel clean again. Come back down stairs to my room and fall asleep in my new stinky room.

Now for the really good part. My friend and I wake up around 9am and start exchanging or experiences from the night before in the living room. I go back to my bathroom to piss and low and behold what I see. That woolly mammoth from the night before felt it was totally ok to leave a **** in the toilet and some nice little mud streaks ON the seat. It was ****in terrible! I guess she ran out of toilet paper and decided it would be cool to go Afghani style and use her hand to wipe her ass cuz there was poo smeared on the sink handles too. Man that **** pissed me off so bad. And then to add to it, we had two pizzas left over from the day before sitting on the kitchen counter that were there when we got home from the bar, but have now vanished. ****in fat girls stole our pizza, WTF?

You can **** all over my bathroom and smear it everywhere, BUT DON'T YOU ****IN TOUCH MY PIZZA!

 

[InDaShop]

poor guy

That was an awesome story...I've never done any fatties (sure, some that were a little chunky, but none that were Godzilla's retarded sibling), but I have a fecal incident of my own...

So we were having a party at my old house...It was the usual mixture of Phelan desert rats, bros, punks and plenty of skanky punker bitches that my events drew. There was this one fine ass punk chick. Seriously, had an awesome body, pierced and tatted up with a Chelsea mohawk, wearing a patched denim vest more studded than Rob Halfold. The night was rolling along pretty smooth and I started talking to her. We shared a bottle of Jack and we were feeling damn good, a little stupid and we were really horny. So I asked her to come into my lair...She started off giving me probably the best head I've ever had and it came time to get a little freaky. So she pulls down her pants and throws her heavy ****ing jacket aside. She wasn't wearing a bra and one boob was literally hanging out of her cut up Casualties shirt. I thought "Oh my God, this is so ****ing hot". At this point she is laying on my bed, sporting nothing but a tiny thong, laying on her back. I go in for the kill so to speak and as my gelatinous mass of a body is about to engulf her's, I note a brown streak on my sheets from about where she first sat down to where she was laying on my bed. I didn't know what it was at this point and frankly I didn't care. So I'm making out with her, it's getting really hot and heavy at this point. I smell the most pungent odor in my room, but I didn't think much of it cause my room was a known squat pad for random crusties and gutter punx (it really never smelled all that great. Febreze never did ****). I go to pull off her thong and feel a slight resistance as I'm separating the string from the crack. They're off now and I'm holding them. I see something brown and instantly know what it is. I look over at her and am like "wtf?" I tell her to get up and she complies and what do I see? A ****ing **** spot on my bed. You could even see where her ass cheeks were and I then I take a look at her backside to make sure I didn't lose my mind. It was worse than a German scat flick. I ran to the bathroom, sicker than a parvo infected pooch and emptied my stomach contents into the porcelain mouth. It was ****ed up. In fact, I blacked out at that point and to make matters worse, woke up with a hangover from hell, various sharpie etchings on my body and face, and **** on my hands still. It gets worse from there...She passed out in my bed. No shower or anything resembling a wipe and with my German foreign exchange student neighbor laying beside her. **** everywhere still. There is still people there, still drinking, there's still a party and it spills into the next night. She's still there and thankfully clean and sober. We have a good laugh. Turns out she didn't **** my neighbor, he just laid in bed next to her cause it was the only place in the house with a semblance of peace and quiet. We did the deed that night on the sheets she cleaned for me (turns out she felt pretty bad)...We ended up dating for a few months after. Possibly the weirdest and most ****ed up way a relationship could form, but I'm sure there's a more disgusting love story out there.

 

[InDaShop]

mo

Amoeba you are my hero.

I got one. So there's this sorority by the name of Alpha Gamma Delta, or Alpha Grabba Donut to the late person because there all fat. There were having an 80s night social and I got invited by a midway between cow and soccer husky chick. Best date ever, bought me a fifth of JD, a pack of smokes, dinner, paid for the taxi all that ****, they all do because they figure if they're nice to you and get you drunk they're going to get laid (never heard of that concept before). So to make the fact that I am way below my standards with this broad ok I drink the whole fifth of JD and many a pitcher at the actual dance. She keeps trying to make out with me on the walk home so i just blow smoke directly in her face the whole time hoping sheel get the hint but she just keeps on trying. We finally get back to her house and since weer not in public anymore I figure no one will know what's the problem. So we start making out, and yes she had nice big plump titties, reminded me of two Christmas hams but at chest level. She keeps trying to jerk me off and I am horrified at how her man hands feel like my own weathered mits so I tell her its not cuttin it and she starts giving me the dome. She sucked that thing like there was a milkshake on the other side but G.I. Joe was not having it as I had a terrible case of the whiskey ****. She keeps asking me what is wrong I keep making up stories about how I just broke up with this girl and I can't stop thinking about her to cover up the fact that I'm hammered and just to see what she would do because cows don't have feelings. I tell her I'm about to pass out and this isnt going to happen, so she sits me down and goes downstairs only to return with a Redbull. I sit down on her bed and start drinking it while she goes to the closet to change. Somehow this bitch found out I love secretaries and comes back in the skirt with the white shirt, bright red bra, you know what I'm talking about. So its so close to that time and I realize I don't have a condom, I tell her and she says thats fine I do what kind do you want? Heffer had a dam Walgreens in her desk drawer. I tell her I don't care, she wrestles it on and puts it in for me. Now I'm not exactly sure but I figure it was about 10 minutes in when the booze wore off and I came to. I see how badly I am disrespecting my **** and give out a loud scream. I pull out, grab my pants with my wallet and phone in it and bail back to the fraternity house. Not only were a bunch of friends walking by as I'm running naked across the street but I am greeted to a full house inside as I sit there naked. I put my pants on after a while and got back to drinking and never talked to her again.

 

[InDaShop]

pretty good

I Can't Believe It's Not Kartman



It was the Winter of 1994, and I was but a kid, still 21 years old. While this story involves a chick from the computer it was long before the interwebz was popular and spacebook was a long way away. There was a local BBS that was rather popular, 12 people could dial up with 2400 baud modems and join a chat room. No pics, no profiles, just text, but there were IMs.

There was one girl at the time that seemed rather slutty that I began talking to. Well one night after a few cocktails I have her come over, and when she arrives I'm shocked to discover that she is large. Not a chick with a few extra pounds that can be hidden by bulky winter clothing but a huge bitch. Standing 5'10 and a solid 2 bills, she was a very sturdy woman. The cocktails combined with the naiveté of my youth kept me from giving her the boot right then and there.

I offer her some cake which she readily accepts and devours like a fly covered starving Ethiopian kid devouring a big mac, but cake alone will not satisfy this beast, I must offer another sacrifice or suffer its wrath and the Beast has only one thing its mind, fresh tubesteak.

The Beast starts to slob the knob and is doing a fairly good job of it but it also wants to tease me and prolong things as each time I get close it stops and squeezes the tip of the heat seeking moisture missile to prevent the happy time explosion. This goes on for an hour or so but I'm laying back getting my **** sucked doing zero work, and it can't talk so there was no reason to hurry.

About this time the Beast says "I want to stroke your fleshsword, do you have any lube?" I tell it that I don't, it stops and looks at the ceiling for a moment while thinking. Then like a startled rhinoceros it jumps up and runs out of the room, its speed and agility shocked me, I didn't think a large pack animal could move that fast.

Now back at its normally slow and lumbering pace the Beast returns holding a yellow bucket. I'm perplexed trying to figure out what it's holding when it hits me. The Beast has brought a large tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Part of me is saying what in the wide world of sports is going on here?! The other just says **** it, this could get interesting.

The Beast pops the top and dips its pudgy hand into the bucket and comes out with a large glob of the heart healthy butter substitute and spreads it all over my balls and shaft. It feels odd and smells really ****ing strange but it starts to stroke it and all odd thoughts leave my brain as the pleasure returned.

The Beast is doing the knuckle shuffle on my piss pump and I am watching with amusement and incredulity. Its face is very close to my unit and its staring at it when I see its tongue slowly slide out and twitch like a snake smelling the air. It pauses for a moment then makes a slow lick from top to bottom while I stare is shock.

That one slow lick was quickly repeated at a more rapid pace and it says "I ****ING LOVE BUTTER!" The Beast then scoops another glob of yellow delight and spreads it all over me again. This continued for about another hour, apply butter flavoring to cock on the cob, lick it all off, reapply 5 minutes later until the bucket was empty.

During all of this my brain is going nuts trying to balance the feelings of pleasure while suppressing the urge to laugh my ass off at the absurdity of a fat girl eating imitation butter off my dong. Shortly after the demise of the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter she finished me off and I will spare you those details except one. The Beast had kept me on the edge for so long I felt like I was having a heart attack combined with a seizure during the moment of truth, a truly glorious finish (she ate it of course).

So what can be learned from this story? There are a few things, firstly that not every experience with a human dumptruck is bad. But more importantly we confirmed the myth that fat girls give good head because they are indeed hungry.

 

[InDaShop]

****ing A!!! LIL ATV!!! OMG

I guess I'll add another story to the thread since no one else has contributed since Kartman's butter consuming steer interaction. This one wasn't one of my worst, or even bad for that matter, but it was a bit weird or "different".

My brother and I are at a bar trying to bring home a couple girls. As you probably have realized by now my standards are pretty low, my brother's are actually a bit lower. So when him and I go out things can get pretty ugly. Anyways, there are a couple girls at the bar we're at. Pretty decent amount, but they all require more work than we'd like to invest to get them to leave the bar with us, so we sit back and just keep an eye out for something else.

Around midnight a group of 3 girls come into the bar and they seem to have some strange wheeled contraption in tow. This device that's following them is in fact a female specimen confined to a good old fashion arm powered wheel chair. After a few more drinks we head over to them to try and find out which two of the three non-incapacitated girls may yield the best possible odds of making some poor decisions that would benefit my brother and my myself. The invalid is currently on the other side of the bar talking to some other people that I can only assume are some other friends who happen to be at the bar that night as well.

After about 15 minutes of talking with these girls their pet comes over and they introduce us. Wheels(as she will be referred to from here on) is actually pretty good looking. She's friendly, witty, nice rack, has a good sense of humor, and pretty. In other words, all the things real female human beings that have full use of their lower extremeties aren't. It's probably safe to say that this creature has developed these characteristics in order to further survive in this environment. By not having much to offer, evolution has forced Wheels to develope her "personality" as one would call it.

So we have a couple more drinks and I decide to give the lesser human being(Wheels) my complete attention. At this point my reasoning for this is that by treating Wheels as a person, her owners..I mean friends, would place me on a pedestal and view me as a saint or as a "good guy". It could also cause the two neglected girls' self esteem to plummet making them easier pickings later on.
So Wheels and I are hitting it off. After more drinks I find myself getting a bit carried away and I'm putting my arms/hands all over Wheels' shoulders, caressing her neck, sniffing her, strumming the spokes on her wheel chair, etc. My brother is trying as hard as he can not to laugh because not only is he seeing all this, but so is the entire bar. Other dudes in the bar are breaking down and laughing, not out of control laughter, but more like shaking their head and chuckling. By now I've changed my plan of using her as a pawn to get to her friends and instead decide that I'm going to try and molest my little ATV friend.

Unfortunately for my brother the girl he was working on only wants to exchange #s and carry on with the courtship via phone(he did end up hitting it a couple days later though). Wheels on the other hand has verbally committed to conclude the night with us sharing the same kennel. As we're all(brother/myself, Wheels and company) leaving the bar I ask her how I'm going to get her back to my brother's pad since we came in a single cab ranger. I ask her, "Do we load you into the bed and use tie downs to hold you in there or how does this work?", she just laughs(again, good sense of humor) and tells me that her friends will follow us and drop her off. So we're good.

We get home and when I bring her in I realize his pad was never set up to accommodate a wheel chair so some moving and sliding of furniture is involved. After I've moved some tables and couches, and with her doing a little prerunning to make sure she can wheel around, she can now access everything she needs.
We get into the room I'm crashing in and she immediately heads for my belt and pants. Her BJ skills were on point, even cupped the balls. She is still in her "god hates you" chair and now comes the task of figuring out how the hell to go about everything. She takes off her shirt and I pick her up(110lbs), kick her mobile prison to the side and lay her down on the bed. This is when I notice something that she had hidden quite well at the bar. I see her coloscopy bag(**** bag) and become a bit worried about it possibly rupturing and being ground into the mattress. She assures me it's quite sturdy and won't give any problems.
She removes her bra and out come a great set of tits. I unbutton her pants and slide them off and remove her thong. She's actually done a great job with maintaining her genitals. Everything is well groomed and doesn't smell bad at all...I still don't go down on her anyways because it just seems weird to me. I put her legs up on my shoulders and she clutches her precious **** bag in her arms to keep it from bouncing around. Her insides feel refreshingly nice. At one point I'm holding her bag in my hand and it feels really ****ing strange, being all warm and everything. After were done she tells me she had a great time and calls her friend to come and pick her up. She also informs me that she can still have orgasms even though she's paralyzed from the waist down. I play with her titties and she gives me head again before she leaves.

My brother and I are laughing in the morning after seeing all the furniture moved and the tread marks Wheels left on the kitchen tile and on the carpet.

Wheels would have been hot if she was normal, but then again she probably wouldn't have been so down to fool around if she was viewed as an equal to her associates.
So my advice, hit up a handicapp, you never know, you might like it.

 

[InDaShop]

tore that ****!

This is happened to one of my best friends....


The story of the box cutter:

Still a virgin he goes out to some friends place to begin pre-drinking....heavily. On their way out to party, they happen to run into a man in a giant inflatable penis suit handing out condoms. Thinking to himself "awesome, this is a great idea" he takes a few.

The night proceeds much like any other night with plenty of drinking. He runs into a female friend from class who is pretty cute. Still drinking they hit it off pretty well and end up going back to her place.

Once there they begin hooking up, and he fumbles to put the condom on and eventually begins to lay pipe pretending to know what he is doing. Some time goes by, who knows how long, he claims to be in a basic blackout stage, he realizes he is feeling very moist on his stomach and legs. This being his first time he thinks nothing of it.... He realizes its only getting worse and thinks there has to be something wrong.

He gets up and turns the lights on and to his horror sees what looks like a crime scene had just taken place on the bed where she was still lying. There was blood everywhere, from his knees to his nipples, and a large circle surrounding the girl. Naturally he freaks out. knowing that the girl had, had a bf for a long time before him, he asked the question he already knew the answer to. No it wasnt her first time. Next question "did you forget to tell me, its your time of the month?" ...and the same answer no, its not.

The girl, not freaking out, and he being 3/4 in the bag, his mind automatically reverts back to the fact that there is a naked girl in the bed. So they remove the sheets and he attempts to flip her over and play in the mud. The girl said "no not yet!"

Of course they both need cleaning, so they proceed to the shower where she proceeds to blow him...

a few days go by and he has heard nothing from the girl and the whole thing begins to pass from his memory. He then recieves a phone call from the girl. "hey, so I went to the doctor the next day because I wasnt walking right, and it began to hurt". Guy: "ok...and what did the doc say?" Girl: Well apparently you gave me about a quarter size tear on the inside of my vagina!....but ill be better in a couple weeks, we should hang out again then"

 

[TacomaJD]

Doin' the knuckle shuffle on my piss pump was the best thing I've heard in a long time :****:

 

[InDaShop]

long as **** but omg

Ah **** it, I'll post it anyways.
This next excursion occurred while traveling on my way to a deployed location.

We stopped in the southeastern area of the states to catch a flight out of the country. Upon arrival we got situated into our rooms and then as a group we headed out into town. The area we were in was very "dirty" so to speak. We call a couple taxi vans and ask them to take us to the local hangouts. We get dropped off at a couple run down dive bars that look like something out of the movie Black Snake Moan. All the guys in my crew start pounding down drinks immediately in an effort to enjoy their last alcoholic beverages before departing for a deployed location in which alcohol is non-existent. I'm taking my time slowly sipping and coddling my beer with no intention of reaching anything more than a miniscule buzz. While my counterparts' main objectives are to get blitzed, I'm hoping to perforate one more vaginal tract or female entrail before departing for Sausagefest 2007.

So I'm keeping a keen rapist eye out for anything that looks like their defenses have been let down. 2 hours go by and nothing has shown up or presented itself. At this time the only two girls in the bar are with a group of bikers and there's no way I'm willing to have my face hollowed out by a 45 for some girls that are mediocre at best. Eventually some more livestock make their way into the bar. 1 shows up with her man(he's holding her hand so I assume he holds ownership) and 3 other sows come in together, they're ranging between 180-210...and not tall. I stay at my post at the bar and decide to wait it out a little longer.

One of the guys(we'll call him Honky) in our group is pretty much toasted and he walks over to the three gluttons and tries to communicate. Honky is not doing very well. One of the spheres decides to leave and gives her friends a hug and walks out of the bar. Incredibly, 1 of the 2 girls left is actually showing interest in Honky and is further engaging him in what I can only make out to be as some type of primitive dialect known as Honky-tonian. After watching him interact with them I notice that the other friend seems to be growing more and more irritated by him and judging by some of the ugly mug expressions she's making I can only assume she will soon commence with Operation Cock Block and subdue any progress that Honky will have made with the friend.
He's really trying to get the sphere to leave the bar with him, but the other globe keeps gravating in and blocking his progress. He even asks some of the other guys to step in and help, but they're all too ****in gay to help him out, so I get up and walk over to them to help him out.

Now from my vantage point I couldn't really tell what their faces looked like, the dim lighting didn't help either, but when I entered their gravitational fields I was able to witness the full horror. The one he got had an alright face...the one I got...was possibly from a different galaxy where willful and deliberate facial incongruity is a desired trait. Simply put, it looked bad, and the first thing I told myself was "Dodge any oral to oral contact at all cost!" So I begin communicating with the creature and I find that although my knowledge and ability to decipher languages through root words has been quite reliable in the past, I find that Honky-tonian doesn't follow this same format. Her grunts and clicks are met by my foreigner lingo of "Can you say that again?", "I'm sorry I can't understand you, can you repeat that?" Although she has shown interest and has fortunately let up on pestering Honky and his cow, she is growing a bit perturbed with me asking her to repeat herself regularly.

After 30 minutes we all decide to leave and head back to their place. Honky heads to the pisser and on his way back tells me "thank you"(with a glassy eyes puppy dog look on his face) and we head for the taxi on the curb. Get in the taxi and we soon realize we have no idea as to where we're(myself and Honky) heading. To add to our confusion, my abomination begins to communicate in a whole new crude dialect, known as flatulence. She's farting in the cab and not even trying to quiet the storm exiting her foul innards. After about 30-40 minutes we get to their place. We both immediately have our guard up when we arrive because their "place" is an old silver trailer(think they were called Sunbeam or something) in a very isolated area of the boonies. We both agree that if things get dangerous we run for our lives. Walking up the path leading to the trailer I have thoughts of the movie "Wrong Turn" with Eliza Dushku making her way thru the thickets and offering herself up for a vaginal sacrifice...needless to say, Eliza will be sitting this one out.

They open the front door to the trailer and we're greeted by a large happy black lab, your typical happy lab. They invite us in and we're slammed by a stench like nothing I've ever endured before. Smells like cigarettes, dog ****(which was on the floor), rotting meat, puke, and something else I can't quite put my finger on. The inside of the place is an absolute maelstrom of fast food bags/wrappers, dirty clothes, dog turds, paper, styrofoam cups, and other random hoarder type materials. They only have kerosene lamps for light, so no actual electricity. We press on like men and go into their rooms(equally nasty).

As stated earlier, I wanted to avoid all oral to oral contact with my Stegosaurus. Incredibly, she wanted to bypass any four play and proceed with the main objective of the evening, works for me. She takes off her yellow wifebeater(I believe it was once white) and pulls down her greasy sweats. She removes her bra and exposes her sweaty dirty jugs. I see some scars on stomach and some marks on each side of her hips that look like rug burn(obviously I'm one of many). The tits look alright actually, aside from the ginormous mole on her left breast with the complimentary single large hair growing out of it, which kind of matches the prominent eyebrow she's managed to nurture into maturity over the past couple years. I play with the right breast, but stay away from the tentacle reaching out from her left breast. She gets on her knees and unbuttons my pants and proceeds in the time honored portly girl profession of mouth to penis resuscitation. She doesn't disappoint in that aspect. After about 10 minutes she stops and bends over on to her hands and knees on top of her single mattress that's on the floor(very well worn might I add). I have my shield with me and I reach into my pant pocket to pull it out, but before I tear open the package she asks me to stuff 3 fingers into that abyss she calls a *****. Seemed like a fair request so I plunk 3 fingers in. After she's excreted some of her own viscous fluid she asks me to up the ante to 4 fingers, I think to myself, "ok cool, I can do that".

Then she starts to get into it more and asks for one more favor, "Now put your whole hand in there." At the time I had never engaged in such an activity, but after a short pause I start to muscle my hand in there. As I'm applying more and more force to get it in there she's pushing back equally hard to aid in the defilement. Then all of a sudden the dam gives and my hand goes in with a thud, which was matched by a simultaneously loud fart from her ass. Fortunately upon entry I fell forward and underneath her snatch thereby preventing a full facial encounter of the gastronomical kind. So I'm in, and I'm feeling around in there, twittling my fingers, and thinking "man, this is kinda neat". She starts going thru the motions and backing harder and harder on to my arm, I say arm because I had my hand and half the distance between my wrist and elbow in there. The pressure around my arm is slowly building and she's starting to get louder and louder. It's actually starting to really turn me on, not her particularly, but the fact that a girl can enjoy something as extreme as this on that level. All of a sudden I feel all her walls come down around my arm and she's clinching super hard, it's actually a bit scary, and then the big finale arrives. The geyser goes off and she gushes all over my arm. A lot of fluid comes out, I mean a lot. It's running down my arm and off my elbow dribbling onto my pants and all I can do is bear with it while my arm is caught in her lethal embrace. She collapses on the mattress falling on her face and I'm able to now retrieve my arm.

I stand up and grab the jimmy and put it on. She gets back to her previous position of hands and knees and I park my junk into her warehouse of a garage. Now of course the lack of friction in there isn't really doing much for me, so I withdraw from her muggy cavern and tap the entrance to the black lodge. I'm met with no resistance so I break on through to the other side. About 10 minutes later I bust and am forced to not clean myself up because…well…nothing in that trailer is sanitary enough to wipe myself with, I'm better off using the dirt outside. She stands up, doesn't clean herself at all, lights a cigarette and just puts her dirty sweats back on and only puts on her yellow stained wifebeater (man what a lady).

As I'm getting dressed(shirt and shoes) she asks if she can borrow my belt for a second. I think nothing of it and hand her my belt. I go back to putting on my socks/shoes and she starts fidgeting around by some boxes. I pause and I ask what she's looking for? She faintly says something that sounded like "a smack". I think in my head, "No, she didn't just say what I think she did". She finds something, then wraps my belt around her bicep and cinches it down. Holy ****, this chick is hard core. She fires one into her arm and then lays back down on the mattress. She's still conscious, but pretty gone, so I wrestle my belt off her arm and walk out of the room where my buddy Honky is sitting on a lawn chair. He's asking me, "what the hell was going on in there, it sounded like you were killing her or something?" I give him the cliff note version of what happened and he then tells me he ****ed his dinosaur without a rubber, you dumb motherfucker I tell him.

So we exit the trailer to make our way back to the main road so we can use street signs to know our location and call for a taxi. About 100 yards from the trailer he realizes he left his wallet in the leviathan's room so we walk back and go into the trailer. He walks back to the room and I just sit in the lawn chair he was sitting in earlier. It dawns on me that the dog didn't greet us when we walked in. I notice the door to the heroine receptacle I ****ed is open now, so I walk over to it. Now having experienced everything else earlier may have prepared me for anything, but I wasn't completely prepared for what I saw. I walk in and see the broad bent over on her hands and knees on the mattress with her wifebeater off and her sweats pulled down, and Fido is at the helm. I'm just staring at them for about 30 seconds, when my buddy comes up behind me saying "Alright man, I found my wallet so we should probably…what…the ****!" , "What the hell is he doing?", I say "He is doing a fat broad, and doing a good job to top it off." Now some of you may think that would be pretty shocking to walk in on something like that, but the reality is that I wasn't shocked at all. What I did find trippy wasn't the fact that Fido was ****ing this hog, it was Fido's technique. Everybody has seen dogs copulate, the male usually just goes really fast and just clinches with his paws and thrusts feverishly. Not this lab though, his technique was downright scary. When I walked in and saw them the dog was thrusting slowly and pulling with his paws at the same time, like a human. He even turned and stared at me for about 10seconds when I walked in, all the while still pumping the chick. That's one of many images I can never get out of my head. It definitely answers one question too, what those "rug burns" were on her hips, turns out they were chaffing from Fido's paws/claws.

So we ended up making it back to the rest of the guys in our group back at the hotel and left out on a flight that next morning. Honky lived in fear the whole deployment because I'd constantly remind him that he may have contracted the HIV. Don't worry, as soon as we got back they tested us for any diseases(including HIV) and Honky came out clean.
Moral of the story, be weary of rug burns, they aren't always from a rug.

 

[Rockwells607]

So I just read this entire post....I have nothing on you guys and your so descriptive and articulate in you stories....I'm laughing at loud reading this ****, keep it coming cuz it's hilarious!

 

[TacomaJD]

The box cutter one was awesome. The freaks always come back like addicts :****:

 

[fl-krawler]

I have never had a bad piece of ass, but definately some interesting times. My most memorable was this:

Back at the end of '06 my wife and I had been having a lot of marital problems and separated. After a few moths I began to go out have fun and date a little. I had been talking to this girl on an internet chat room for a few weeks. About the second week, the conversations turned real sexual, and her wanting to meet up and go on a date. A week later after she had sent some pics, I gave in (she was smokin!). She lived almost an hour away from me but I figured what the hell.

So anyways, on my way to her place she calls me, and says she wants to skip going out and just stay in at her place and catch a movie. I say ok. She tells me that when I pull into her apartment complex to call her and she will come down and meet me. So, as I pull in I call her (and this is where things get interesting). She proceeds to tell me she has a "stranger" fantasy where a guy she doesn't know comes into her apartment and has sex with her (her blindfolded). She gives me directions to find her apartment, and tells me that when I come into the apartment, lock the door behind me, she would be in the second door on the left (the bedroom) waiting for me.

So, I scurry on up the stairs, go into the apartment locking the door behind me (remember this important fact). I walk into the bedroom to find one of the most attractive women I have ever layed my eyes on (even sexier in person than the pics she sent me) sitting there, on the bed, on all fours, in a white silk nighty, and blindfolded. I drop my pants at the door and walk on over. I put my junk up to her and she begins to service me. At this point I am in heaven as the BJ is amazing. I jimmy up and we begin having sex. Right off the bat it was obvious this bitch was a little crazy, and she was a screamer.

So about 45min into this romp I'm pounding the hell out of her from behind pulling her hair back hard making her take it. This bitch was screaming and barkin like a dog as I'm pounding her. About that time I hear the apartment door open, and shut (Remember I locked it), and a few seconds later the biggest most ripped :afro: I ever saw opens the bedroom door. At this point the first thought in my mind is should I jump out the window or is he going to kill me. The only works out of his mouth were "hey baby, you having a good time" to which she answered yes. He closed the door and went into the living room of the apartment and started watching TV. I went from Ron Jeremy to Limp Bizkit in about .1 seconds when he came through the door.

So at this point I am ready to put my clothes on and leave. She stops me, saying the black dude was her husband and that they had an open relationship. She starts messing with me and convinces me to stay and play a little longer. So I end up staying, and about 30min later the husband opens the door, and say's "ok your done". I didn't question things, just put my clothes on and left. For the next month this chick would call me 1-2 times a week wanting me to come over and play while her husband was at work. One day I went over, and he was in the room with her wanting to tag team her. I graciously bowed out and left. Never heard from her again.