Joke of the day

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, a perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
:flipper: LIBERALS!!!

My wife says to me the other night

"How come we don't make love like they do in the movies?”

So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she’d be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came on her face....


Turns out we don't watch the same movies.

I dont care who you are thats funny right there!!!! :****:

The Drunk...

Did you hear about the guy who was in a bar about as drunk as its possible to get?



A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be Good Samaritans and take him home.



First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.



He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.



After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.



His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home!"



His wife asks..... "Where's his wheelchair?"

family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left
her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the
nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a
chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She
seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways
in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her
and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she
slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back
and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to
her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

No ****, I cried and peed a little after that one!

A Black, Muslim, and Communist walk into a bar.....























The bartender says.....





















How may I help you Mr. President?

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Luckily, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you." laughing1

LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA


The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation were devastating.
It did not spare the houses of worship in and around the area.

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an
interview with a woman from New Orleans .

The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the
woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the
area had affected their lives?
Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those
other people, But we ain't gone to Churches in years. "We gits our
chicken from Popeye's".

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.
They're out there, they live among us, AND THEY VOTE. Now you
understand how we got our president?

CIGARETTES AND
TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles . The
sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he
is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter. She says, confused, " Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers , "You see , it 's like this , yesterday , I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers ; cause it 's sooo -ooo --oo -ooo much
cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .... ... ... so does she !!!

this ain't a joke , but i thought it was funny!

Whats the difference tween a jew and a pizza?




















Pizza dont scream when you put it in the oven! :flipper:

Q: What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?
A: A pedophile.

Q: What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game?
A: Before the First Period.

Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

Q: What is a redneck virgin?
A: A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.

Q: What do you throw a Mexican man when he's drowning?
A: His wife and kids.

Q: Why is a Black mans eyes always red after sex?
A: From the mace

Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?
A: You would too if you were named Auuurraaagggghhh!

Q: What is the most positive thing in harlem?
A: HIV

Q: Why do Jewish girls like to **** doggy style?
A: They can't stand to see somebody else have a good time.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: One stops sucking when you slap it.

Q: Who are the two most famous black women?
A: Aunt Jemima and Mother ****er.

Q: What's long, black and smelly?
A: An unemployment line.

Q: What do you call a Puerto Rical midget?
A: A spec.

Q: What's the difference between a British man and his girlfriend?
A: His girlfriend has a higher sperm count.

Q: Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature?
A: Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949.

Q: What did Dodi Al-Fayed say to his driver the morning before the crash?
A: Do you want to go out with me and Di tonight?

Q. How do you know if a Chinese person robbs your house?
A. Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the ****er is still trying to back out of your driveway.

Q: What's the difference between a black man and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: Why is it so hard for Mexican women to get pregnant?
A: Because as soon as the sperm enters the cell it tries to hang itself.

Q: How do you starve a black man?
A: hide his foodstamps under his workboots.

Q: What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity?
A: Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.

Q: What do rednecks and KFC have in common?
A: They do chicken right.

Q: In Kentucky, what do divorces and tornados have in common.
A: Either way, someone is going to lose a trailer.

Q: Why do the Scottish wear kilts?
A: Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.

Q: What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?
A: Drowns

Q: Two (insert favorite ethnic group here) jump off the top of a very tall building. Which one his the ground first?
A: Who gives a ****?

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job?
A: You know she'll swallow.

Q: Why did the redneck cross the road?
A: Because he coundn't get his **** out of the chicken.

Q: What does a redneck say after sex?
A: Thanks Mom.

Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
A: Quarter pounder with cheese.

Q: How do you kill 100 Mexicans?
A: Blow up their van.

Q: What do you call five Mexicans on the bottom of a pool?
A: Sinko

Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?
A: A rape victim.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're ****ed.

Q: What did the little black boy say when he got diarrhea?
A: I'm melting!

Q: Why do black people smell?
A: So blind people can hate them too.

Q: What do you call a fat chinese person?
A: A chunk.

Q: What did the little Mexican boy get for christmas?
A: My bike.

Q: How many house wives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None! what the **** they doing out of the kitchen!?

Q: How do you blindfold a chinese person?
A: Dental floss.

Q: What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
A: A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!

Q: How many jews can you fit in a VW Beetle?
A: 54, two in the front, two in the back, and fifty in the ashtray.

Q: Why do black people play basketball?
A: They can run, shoot, and steal

Q:What did Adolf Hitler get his neice for her birthday?
A: An easy bake oven.

Q:What would the Jetsons be called if they were black?
A: ******s.

Q: What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?
A: On St. Patrick's Day, everyone wants to be Irish.

Q: What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike?
A: Ethiopian

Q: Why don't Puerto Ricans have check books?
A: Because it's impossible to sign your name that small with spray paint.

Q: How do you know when a redneck has her period?
A: She's only wearing one sock.

Q: What do you call an ethiopian with buck teeth?
A: A rake.

Q: What do you call an ethiopian wearing a turban?
A: Aq-tip.

Q: What's this? (pinches skin on both sides of neck)
A: An ethiopian eating a cornflake.

Q: Why do they put **** around the church at a black wedding?
A: To keep the flies off the bride

Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
A: Full

Q: What does FUBU really stand for?
A: Farmers Use'ta Beat Us.

Q:Whats the difference between a mexican & a bucket of ****?
A:The bucket.

Q: What do you call an ethiopian jumping off a cliff?
A: A chocolate drop.

Q: How do you get 100 jews into a car?
A: Throw a quarter in it.

Q: How do you get them out again?
A: Tell them Hilter is driving.

Q: What do you call two ethiopians in a sleeping bag?
A: Twix.

A black kid was helping his mom in the kitchen one morning making biscuits. He pures the flour over his head and says"Look momma I'm white now!" The mother mad at him ,slaps him and tells him to go tell his father what he said! He goes to his father with the flour still on him and says" Look dad I'm white now!" The father slaps him and tells him to go tell his grandmother what he said! The little black boy walk up to his grandmother says the same thing again. The grandmother slaps the boy and sends him to his room to think about what he has said. Alittle while later the grandmother, mother, and father go up to little boys room and asked him if he has thought about what he said. The black boy looks up at his family and says "Yep ,I haven't been white but 10 minutes and allready hate you NEGRAS!"

hell it didnt show up the right size

Two men were having coffee, when one of them said: "Last night, my son just walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop. Please give my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Goodwill. Then sell my car. Take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.’"

The other man said: "Wow, he really said that?"

"Well, he didn't put it quite that way. He actually said ...
‘Dad, I've decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign.’"

I feel like a pair of flip flops on a fat chick.