Joke of the day

CSMITH · Aug 3, 2011

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The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The manwas undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animalâ€™s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre rifle was used to shoot it.
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up t! he drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced. â€œSpringbokâ€. Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared. â€œAnd shot with a .22 rifleâ€. The others could not believe it (he was right, of course) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.
So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the boot of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, â€œKalahari Lionâ€ and fingering the bullet hole, said â€œand the rifle was a .308? and he was right again.
This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he ! had to prove his skills over and over again, everytime against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, stoned out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife. â€œListen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?â€ .
And his wife replied angrily. â€œFrom me, of course.â€
â€œBut what did I do?â€ he asked.
She replied, â€œYou got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone: â€˜Skunk, killed with an axe.â€™

gdf · Aug 3, 2011

nice ! laughing1 laughing1 laughing1

patooyee · Aug 3, 2011

I don't have anything against Catholics or Jews but this joke is kind of an equal opportunity offender so I hope no one gets butt hurt.

One day a Catholic Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street when the Priest notices a young boy alone at the end of an ally. He gets excited and says to the rabbi, "Hey, lets go **** that little boy!"
The Rabbi replies, "OK, out of what???"

J. J.

doctordick · Aug 3, 2011

Who's that knocking on your door? Bet it's the P.C. Police :****:

patooyee · Aug 3, 2011

doctordick said:
Who's that knocking on your door? Bet it's the P.C. Police :****:

I believe that we all need to be worried if the PC police are paying attention to this forum. Especially those who post in the porn threads or the ones who were making off-handed comments about the monkey with the gun in Africa.

J. J.

grcthird · Aug 3, 2011

I enjoy the lack of PC police here, it's what makes this forum cool. :dblthumb:

What do a Little Caesar's pizza and a hooker have in common?

They're both hot and ready for $5 :****:

patooyee · Aug 3, 2011

grcthird said:
I enjoy the lack of PC police here, it's what makes this forum cool.

Me, too. Wasn't trying to knock it.

J. J.

5BrothersFabrication · Aug 6, 2011

Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence..

Then Obama said into the microphone, "Children, uh, every time I, uh, clap my hands together, a, uh, child in America dies from, uh, gun violence."

Little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said, '' Well, dumb ass, stop clapping!"

CSMITH · Aug 9, 2011

Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. Dad yells "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" Robot then slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son." Robot then slaps the mom!!!!!

bad80cj · Aug 9, 2011

CSMITH said:
Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. Dad yells "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" Robot then slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son." Robot then slaps the mom!!!!!

hahhahahahhahahahaha :spin:

:****:

grcthird · Aug 17, 2011

A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."
A little girl raises her hand saying "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, ask the little girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped the over the fence into our yard.
The teacher exclaimed, "That must have been scary."
The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went "Sssss, Sssss, Sssss" and before she could say "****" the Rottweiler ate her."

The teacher had to leave the room.

5BrothersFabrication · Aug 17, 2011

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the damn cup! :woot:

5BrothersFabrication · Aug 17, 2011

Bruce is driving over the Henly Street Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doin'?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "Bruce, ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "****, Sheila... Not only are you a great lay, but you're a real sport too." ...and drives off.

InDaShop · Aug 18, 2011

DAD IS A DANCER

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers
did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman,
mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when
the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an
exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music
in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy
and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises and took little Johnny aside
to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee
and helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that
in front of the other kids."

CHASMAN9 · Aug 18, 2011

InDaShop said:
DAD IS A DANCER

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers
did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman,
mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.

However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when
the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an
exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music
in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy
and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises and took little Johnny aside
to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee
and helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that
in front of the other kids."

Troof :afro:

InDaShop · Aug 18, 2011

Stimulus Check Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A.. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka ...
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ...
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Conclusion:Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

InDaShop · Aug 18, 2011

InDaShop · Aug 19, 2011

"JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT"
>
> (I don't care what party you like, this one's funny!!)
>
> A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
> the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
> restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
>
> The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a
> cup of coffee, on him.
>
> The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He
> shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
> cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
> Jesus, over there?"
>
> The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot
> tea, "My treat."
>
> The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He
> hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's
> about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the
> restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?
>
> The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer.
> "On my bill," he said loudly.
>
> As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said,
> "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come
> back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
>
> Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness,
> you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he
> raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the
> door.
>
> Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.
>
> The Democrat jumped up and yelled,
>
>"Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."