OK.. worst story for me..
Yeah.. the night I lost my V.
New years - Jan 1, 1993. I was a 21 year old virgin.
Went to one party and had a lot of trashcan punch at the house of this wheelchair-bound buddy of mine. He had no feelings from his waist down. Proceeded to drunkenly tell everyone how he had to electrocute himself to get a woody. However, he claimed that it would last for an hour no matter what. He was a great guy that lost both legs due to a bone disease when he was a kid. So the challenge goes out to demonstrate. So he does.. Right there in the middle of the party. Well, two very lovely hoes offered to perform right there for everyone too - much to everyones viewing pleasure. There was much group groping going on in the audience.
the party moved two blocks over to an apartment where the next round of adult beverages waited. This time it was cheap skank beer kegs in the bathtub. The crew proceeded to float two kegs in less than 30 minutes. By this time in the night, people were already starting to sneak off for their private diversions.. In the alley, the garage, the courtyard, the balcony.... wherever..
Me? Yep.. still NO GAME. SUre, I had been flirting with a couple of girls, but nothing ever happened because they left.
The ball in times square drops, and we all celebrate with a round of shots. And another round. And another round. And another round.
Everyone is truly ****ED up. Sloppy, sloppy drunk.
Couples all around.. Me? Nope. Not even a midnight kiss.
The party move via foot about two blocks to a house at about 3am. more drinking. This time, a few medicinal herbs are passed around. I do not partake. That is not my game. Besides, my stomach is starting to just roll and rumble and tumble. By this time, I see one of the girls I was flirting with arrive at the party solo. We continue the flirtation. We are sitting on teh couch as a group, talking, and my stomach starts sending me the "**** YOU BASTARD!" cramps. I race to the bathroom, throw the lid open, and yack my guts up. about the same time, my ass starts screaming at me that its coming out that end too... I stand up and while trying to get my pants off, I lean over and Ralf in the bathtub, while I drop my jeans. My superman underoos are still in place. Just as I'm about to drop troun and plant on the commode, I lose my balance and tumble into the vomitous tub, underwear still in place.
and my bowels release. Not just your standard brownie, but a fecal explosion of Old Faithful proportions... Liquid Shits.
****. everywhere. Everywhere except my jeans and shoes thankfully.
And the shower curtain falls on me.. and into the poo.. and puke.
So I'm laying there in my puke and my 9 ways wrong poo, struggling with the shower curtain.. And there is a knock on the door. It;s HER...
"Are you alright?"
Thank GOD the door was locked.
'Yeah.. the tequila didnt like me.. I messed up my shirt... bad.. I'm gonna take a shower.'
Awww ****. so I kick my shoes off and shuck my jeans and take a shower.
I do my best to wash all the poo and puke down teh drain. The chunks of fruit from trashcan punch don;t squish down the drain as easy as poo does.
so I clean up myself.
my shirt, my undershirt, my Superman Underros were not so lucky.. What the hell am I going to do with them? I open the window and throw them out into the backyard, hoping no one saw me.
So I put my pants, sans underwear back on, and go across the hall to the bedroom of the house's owner and open the door. There he is on the bed, railing this chick doggy style. I dont even KNOW this guy. I grab the first shirt I see within reach and get out. I tell the girl I'm ready to leave and she agrees.
We walk back to the apartment, which turns out to be her best friends place. Most everyone else is there again, but very mellow. the smell of weed is heavy in the air... its now about 4-5 am.. not really sure.
We sit on one couch, and she snuggles up to me.. And I pass out.
The next thing I know, everyone is gone, she is passed out on the couch, sleeping.. and I am on the floor next to the couch. Very uncomfortable.
I nudger her and ask if she has room for me.. she scoots over and I crawl in. I wrap my arms around her and we snuggle. She reaches behind her and starts playing with my crotch. Instant woody. We make out. She has her hand in my jeans, I have my hand in hers lycra spandex kinda thingy pants.
She nibbles on my ear and says.. I want you in me.
remember.. I'm a 21 year old virgin. I about nutted right there. But fawk. I wanted to.. SOooooo bad. But I didnt have a condom. I was not prepared. She didnt either. I jump up, and go to the master bedroom.. and I had the balls to wake them up to ask if they had any condoms.. the dude throws me a string of 3 and says have fun.. I go back to the living room and get on the couch..heavy petting and making out ensues. Her friend comes out, flips the light on, throws a towel at us and says "At least don't leave any stains on my couch"
We got after it. Used all three condoms in quick succession, interspersed with catnaps of post-coital bliss. I was having the time of my life. I went down on her finally and gave her another couple of O's. Finally, as the sun was coming up, I asked her for a BJ, but she said she didnt want to do anything - even oral - without protection.. and then I told her "But It'd be my first...I'm guaranteed clean... you were my first..."
And then the **** hit the fan. She started BAWLING.. I mean.. BAWLING.. about how I was supposed to save it for someone special.. .someone I loved... She woke up her friend and her boyfriend, as well as the other room mate and HER boyfriend..
here I am sitting on the couch buck assed naked, her crying, and in walk two dudes, and their obviously pissed off girlfriends. I think they thought I raped her or violated her or something.. the one boyfriend threw me out on the porch and locked the door.. naked with my clothes in my arms.
Oh.. guess who lived next door and just HAPPENED to be on their way to work as I stand there in my naked morning glory, hung over, and bewildered on that cold, crisp winter morning???
My boss. My Chick assistant manager.
Yeah... you NEVER forget a night like that. And my boss NEVER let me live it down.
